Stupid Sexy Priestface - Immaculate (2024)

What’s the best thing to do on Holy Thursday?

That’s right, get yourself completely and utterly piss-faced drunk, solely because the pubs are closed at midnight. And now that Ireland doesn’t do that shut-down any more, I guess we’re onto option number two: watch a horror film that is associated with the Catholic church.

Yayyyyyy!!!

Immaculate promises itself as this horror film, but like most Easter eggs, I still haven’t figured out if it lives up to such a promise.

A cold open serves us a nun’s attempt to escape a convent, pursued by masked figures. We’re then introduced to Cecilia (Sydney Sweeney) arriving at Italian immigration, where two immigration officers review her passport and reason for possessing a one-way ticket. As a nun and due to the closure of her previous convent thanks Tto declining faith in the US, she’s been invited to join monastery here in Italy.

In their native language (and unnoticed by Cecilia), the officers comment on how Cecilia’s faith leaves her wasted to their male gaze.

Arriving at the convent, there is a definitive vibe to make the viewer wonder if Cecilia should be there: her colleagues speak Italian (obviously), making it all the more obvious of how little of the language she knows. She’s also reminded that this is effectively a hospice for older nuns, and not an easy job. Cecilia remains committed, and that night, takes her vows, courtesy of the Cardinal, Mother Superior and Father Sal Tadeschi (Álvaro Morte.)

There is a definitive sexuality to Sal and Cecilia’s interactions, and in many another movie, they’d be banging in a couple of minutes; such, I’m sure, is the sentiment of the movie, continuing as Cecilia pledges her vows with Sal and the other priests standing over her, looking down. The perfect blow-job angle and continuing the film’s play with notions of gender and power, but Immaculate also goes out of its way to exclude the sexual, somewhat befitting given the film’s later beats.

Cecilia is aware of the alcohol she has drank, and she steps away for some fresh air, drawn by noise in the church, where she finds a sobbing figure on the ground wearing the same masks as the hunters we viewers have seen earlier. In the church, Cecilia discovers that the convent is home for a holy grail, of sorts - one of the nails that pierced Jesus and held him on the cross.

Some jump-scares and classic horror beats follow the next beats of the film, with a puking Cecilia ultimately discovering that she is pregnant after being grilled by our powerful males, challenging her to prove that such a pregnancy is, indeed, immaculate.

TITLE CARD. (Okay, there isn’t a title-card at this point, but come on, how can I write this and NOT use this!)

The movie further embraces those gentle horror beats - a suicide within the monastery; flashes of our masked figures; the murder of Cecilia’s only true friend; some scarred patients and an attack on Cecilia, her colleague demanding that it should have been her.

Cecilia’s discomfort is powerful, but Immaculate is careful with how it plays this: she accepts this discomfort with the grace and honour of a woman who (supposedly) knows her minor place in the world. And in doing so, the movie loses significant power: any threats are just too subtle, and the film doesn’t pay enough attention to Cecilia’s decline - nor these threats - to sell either.

And then, Cecilia and the viewer discover the truths behind her pregnancy.

Cecilia’s lack of power has a very specific cause, and Immaculate loses its own power in the process because this cause is just so jarring and alien ; nope, it’s not aliens, but the strong religious imagery and the associated sublime power are all lost to science.

Science. Fucking science. Nope, thanks. I didn’t need science in this movie.

Until this point, Immaculate has been serving Rosemary’s Baby, touches of Lords Of Salem and, most significantly, Suspiria…only to step away from such strong beats and turn to mad scientists. Sure, the mad scientist is a man, a great fit for the movie’s beats of gender (and body) autonomy. But it’s just a mad scientist.

The Other of the movie loses its power, and that’s great for our lead character; but that’s not a good thing for a horror movie.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing: the film embraces this change in direction and handles it well going forward with Cecilia reclaiming her autonomy once more.

But this reveal just comes too soon, leaving the rest of the movie to be solely about Cecilia’s finding her power, identity and Self.

Visually, Immaculate is, indeed, immaculate, it’s camera work and scenery strong and beautiful, its colours and imagery taken from the Catholic Church and abusing it (in a good way) with jump-scares, blood and puke. Sweeney’s Cecilia is not a great character, as I’ve mentioned; there is little point to her , but the very fact that a man is writing this about a woman proves to be the point of such a character. And dear fuck, when Sweeny and Cecilia join forces, shrug at us men with a “fuck this shit,” she serves one of the strongest Final Girl’s we’ve seen in years.

Similarly, the film’s use of language (and lack thereof) is beautiful and noticeable, calling attention to Cecilia’s consensual lack of power that knowingly lingers throughout the film. As a character, Cecilia’s is introduced to us flying solo (literally); she has no surname; she does not speak the same language of her peers (and they’re clearly using her) with some scenes of the film, especially the results of Cecilia’s initial scans, use this language so very well. The final shots of Immaculate hammer home the fact that Cecilia is alone - always has been and (perhaps) always will be.

I’m still not sure what I thought about Immaculate though: I just don’t know if I liked it, or if it's flaws and errors were just too strong. Its release at Easter is, at least, a work of marketing and advertising genius.

But even as I say that, I wonder.

Wouldn’t a horror movie with the these religiously pregnant beats…work….better…at…Christmas?