My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
My Bloody Valentine 3D
Directed By: Patrick Lussier
Cast: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Reviewed By: Ken Mooney
Rating: Three-Out-Of-Five Bananas
Sometimes, a movie comes along so unflinchingly terrible, it’s just awesome. Sometimes, that film is called My Bloody Valentine, a movie on its way to becoming the cinematic experience of the year. Or of January, anyway.
A remake of the 1981 slasher film of the same name, My Bloody Valentine 3D is set in the small town of Harmony, where a mining accident caused by the negligence of Tom Hanniger (Ackles) leads to the creation of the town’s own serial killer, Harry Warden. Ten years later, Hanniger makes an unwelcome return to town and becomes prime suspect when the long-dead Warden resurfaces and begins killing again. It’s up to Hanniger to convince old flame Sarah (King) of his innocence while her husband, town sheriff Axel (Smith) investigates the gruesome murders.
My Bloody Valentine 3D ticks all the boxes for a regular slasher movie, bringing nothing new to the genre but sitting comfortably amongst its Eighties brethren: bumps and scares are so clearly highlighted that there’s times where you may even get bored of waiting for them, but the movie adheres to the rules so well, it actually threatens to cross the line into comedy on more than one occasion, which makes it all the easier to laugh at something so laughably bad. Attempts to age and de-age the actors over the ten year difference are limited to hats, facial hair and an unimportant child. The acting talent (and characters) are basically fodder for Warden’s pickaxe, and whether intentional or not, the film manages to be completely devoid of emotion. Ackles in particular, with all the charisma of a potted plant, manages to portray a protagonist that you really won’t care for, which, at the end of the day, just makes the film all the more enjoyable.
All that might make it sound like My Bloody Valentine 3D isn’t a good film…but this is one that you really need to see, mainly for the effects, both the 3D and some of the inevitable deaths. Not a movie for the squeamish, the Real3D technology really bring to life the cadavers and corpses left in Warden’s wake, and some of the on-screen deaths are particularly visceral, with plenty of blood. There are also a few duck-behind-the-seat moments, with guns and pickaxes alike being pointed (and launched) into the audience. Scares aren’t guaranteed: laughs are, however. And even if you get bored of the film itself, just laugh at everyone else jumping…that’s the kind of fun this film is.
Verdict:
My Bloody Valentine 3D won’t win any awards, but is a movie you really need to see in the cinema. It knows it’s bad, it really doesn’t take itself seriously, so the audience have carte blanche to do the same, and when an hour-and-a-half proves to be this entertaining, it’s really not something you can miss.
Originally published on FrankTheMonkey.com